Too Angry To Think Of a Title (Gonna be a long one.)

So today I was reading this post at Postcards from Insanity and she mentioned how she was having issues with some people who are followers of the blog Legally Kidnapped. So in order to get an idea of what exactly was going on, I visited their site and sites that were promoted there as well. Quite simply, I was appalled and I truly felt that I could not be quiet on these issues. I simply must people know that not only is there another side to what these people are saying, but some of it is flagrantly false!

Now my intention is not to insult these people (although I may offend them) nor is it to say that there are no issues with the system and even some foster families. There are and I don’t think anyone would disagree that knows anything about the foster care system. Do terrible things happen, yes, they do. Are all the cases reported the only incidents that happen, no.

So here starts where I disagree with these sites…

Legally Kidnapped says “The Foster Care system is no better or safer than an abusive home. Often times, it’s much worse.” I say, that is simply false. Again, while (as I said above) there are always going to be some situations that are negative, there ARE foster families who LOVE these kids and LOVE them the same as their bio kids. I know because I am one of those foster parents. All I want is for these children to be safe, healthy and happy. I give them that. Our family gives them that. Also, contrary to what LK believes…I WANT these kids to go home. They belong with their families. It’s the best place for them…most of the time. Will we ever adopt a foster child?? The answer is yes, in fact, we hope to adopt someday, but ONLY if being with their parents is not in their best interest. Now it can be a tough situation because I invest my time and heart into these children and treat them as my own so do I want to keep them? Nearly always, but not if it’s at the expense of their relationship with their families if that relationship can be healthy. Ultimately, in most cases, it’s best that they go home. Reunification is always the PRIMARY goal!!! In fact, in our county the reunification rate is at 80%!

Now something else I want to say…Foster Parents have NO rights!!!I think that’s what bothers me the most, in reading some of these things. The foster parents are looked at as part of the problem, but I beg to differ (again not including the few “bad eggs” out there). As a foster parent, I have no rights to these kids. I am expected to bring them into my home, love the, raise them, teach them, treat them as though they were my own, but I can’t even take them for a haircut without permission from the birth parents. I AM NOT the enemy!!! I have opened my home to the birth families, transported to visits when the visit would have otherwise been canceled due to lack of county transportation, given the birth parents my phone number so they could call day or night if they had any questions at all. Offered to be a resource/help/free babysitter for their kids after the kids go home because I know that many of these birth parents don’t have a support system. I have always been honest with them and tried to do what I could to make the transition back home a complete success. So do NOT say that Foster Care is the worse place for these kids because in some cases the birth parents gain an ally and friend in this process.

As far as the DCFS  (or DHS or CPS or whatever else you refer to it as)… There are bad social workers and family skills workers, of course. There are bad doctors, and therapists, and mechanics, and flying trapezists for that matter. In every profession, there are going to be some that don’t care about what they do and as a result don’t do a good job at it. Again, this is an exception to the rule in my opinion. So far every social worker I have come into contact with has had a genuine concern and in fact (in many cases) give the birth parents the benefit of the doubt even when I disagreed. These social workers have done home visits in my home at least once a month and often times more to see that our home is still safe and that all is going well. There are supports in place for the foster families themselves so that if things do get stressful in any aspect of the case, we have someone to go to who will help us work through things. I know that IF something ever happened and my son would have to enter the system, I couldn’t be happier knowing that he will have a caseworker assigned to him who really truly cares for him.

My biggest pet peeve with most (yes, that’s MOST not ALL!!!!!) birth parents is that they are concerned with their rights more than the well-being of their children. They are more concerned with how they appear than what’s in the best interest of their children. I have had birth moms and dads not call their children on a daily or even weekly basis (or even at all) even though as a rule for our home we allow the birth family to contact us 1 time per day (that’s one time for the mom, one time for the dad and 1 time for grandparents or whoever else… that’s each…not one call for all of them together) I have YET to have a birth parent call everyday and I’ve heard excuses ranging from…”I don’t feel comfortable” to “I just can’t bear to hear what “little johnny” is doing without me”. Shouldn’t feelings be set aside for the good of the child!?!?! In my experience, birth parents DO have rights, they choose many times to not even exercise those rights and it’s that lack of interest/follow-through that makes the process of getting their kids back go slower. When birth parents can’t manage to show up to see their kids or bother to call, to me, that not only offends my sensibilities, but it makes me question their commitment to these kids.

My main point in all of this is… There are good and bad birth parents. There are good and bad foster homes. There are good and bad social workers. You CANNOT put all of us into a little box and label us all a danger to children. There ARE legitimate reasons a child should be removed. Can the “system” be over zealous at times in removing children? Not sure, but it’s possible, but I know that in our county unless there is an imminent threat, there are so many resources poured into these families in an attempt to avoid them needing to be removed.

So to Legally Kidnapped and all of your “friends” who share your opinions…bring it on. I dare you to call me a bad foster mom!!!