So I’ve been thinking a lot lately about our foster kids going home – both those that have left and all of our future placements that will most likely leave us as well. These kids leaving is probably the hardest part of being a foster parent. We love these children as though they were our own. We keep them safe, we rock them when they are sad, we kiss their boo-boos when they get hurt, we stay up with them all night when they are sick…all of these are things I do for my own child. As soon as a child enters our home, they are ours. Obviously, that can make for many emotions when it’s time for them to leave. You feel an obvious sense of loss, you are worried beyond any type of normal concern, you often feel anger towards everyone involved. There’s often feelings of pride knowing that they made some progress while in your care. You name it, we feel it.
I think one of the hardest parts (especially when you specialize in the younger ones, as our family does) worry is a one of the more overwhelming feelings. I worry that they will be safe, happy, grow up to be productive adults, that they will forget us (which is pretty much a given). All of these thoughts stay with us and probably will forever. How can you ever forget a child you have loved?? I don’t think it’s possible and I don’t think it’s possible to ever stop worrying. So in the face of all of this worrying, I have tried to come up with some ways to soothe my own wounds. In doing that, I have been focusing on what we are able to do for the child while he or she was here. Here is the number one thing that helps me make it through.
I believe that as foster parents (or any parent for that matter) have one ultimate goal. We want our children to feel loved and accepted because if they feel those two things and know it to be true in the core of their being, it will shape them and the decisions they make for the rest of their lives. As foster parents, I think this is especially important because most of these children have not ever felt those things before entering our home.
Just think about it…(generalizing here) little girls who get pregnant in their teen years, typically were just looking for someone to love them and allowed the first boy (or man) she came across, who claimed to love her, take advantage of her. Of course we all know of kids who act out because they are in need of acceptance and will do negative things that get negative reactions from the people around them, but they continue to do it because it’s at least some sort of attention even if it’s negative. Then there’s the kids who get into gangs because they just want to feel accepted and haven’t found that acceptance anywhere else. These are just a few examples.
Love and acceptance shape our children’s futures. It shapes their decisions. It shapes their self-esteem. It shapes their values. It shapes THEM! You can even take a step further and then say that it shapes their children and their grandchildren and so on and so on. A life with no love and no acceptance will start a pattern that no good parent would want to start. Now, we as foster parents come across these children who have gotten the exact opposite of love and acceptance and we have to work on reversing the effects. This isn’t easy, but it’s what we signed up for and it’s really why we do what we do.
So, even if they don’t remember us… Even if they don’t know our names… Even if they never see the pictures we send with them… Even if they go back to situations we would never want for them… we have changed them. They will remember in their heart of hearts that they were worth something to someone. They will remember in their heart of hearts that they were once loved and accepted just for who they were. They were wanted.
So even if they don’t remember us…they will be able to love both others and themselves. They will be able to feel empathy for others who are hurting. They will be able to hold on to hope. They will be able to be strong in hard times. They will be able to accept help without feeling like a failure because they know that they are worth the effort. These are the things we give these kids.
This is why we do what we do. This is the difference we make.
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